We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
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“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.