The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
You Might Also Like
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.