“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
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I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Interior design 👌
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
(True)
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”