I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
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Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird