Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
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*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
constantly working on myself.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t