ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
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[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Chicken bread
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.