My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
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[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
satan: not today, microsoft teams
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Free him
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019