My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
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me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.