good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
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Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
OKAY DAD
who wore it better?
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.