Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
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9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.