[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
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grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine