The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
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When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!