Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
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I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
The Wolf of Wall Street.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.