My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
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ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?