Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
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ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Steam Forums
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”