I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
You Might Also Like
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Finally, a door that understands me
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
these two trucks have the same bed length
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
one of
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card