Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
You Might Also Like
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
[montage of me giving-up]
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs