WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
You Might Also Like
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Legend 🤣🤣
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link