Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
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BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that