My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
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what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.