[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.