If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
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News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Google Pay be like:
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK