The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
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This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]