the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
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Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.