*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
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HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.