Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
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Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Life cycle of cat
Admin smashed it 😂
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day