Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
You Might Also Like
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?