put ‘er there pardner!
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Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
The police never think its as funny as you do.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*