but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
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Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
mmm onion ringos
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs