Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
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The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
LOOOOOOL
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Perfect
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time