People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
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People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.