You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
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I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!