Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
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[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)