I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
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In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome