Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
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calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.