Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
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I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know