No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
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And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.