Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
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Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
If a snake ate a cake
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened