I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
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If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know