I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
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[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
fourth time’s the charm
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels