If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
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Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Hotels are back
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.