I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
You Might Also Like
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Happens to everyone.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?