I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
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I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
it’s the silliest best thing
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.