Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
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This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
im 7 sauces long
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.