if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
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I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*