Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
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Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine