*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
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Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?