[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
You Might Also Like
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Awesome parenting 😂
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight