I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
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I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
If you know, you know
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*