If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
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*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
calling in to work dehydrated
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
it was a valiant fight
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.